ideology

i am doing a study on worship.  just started last week, using an old devotional book i bought years ago.  last night i began a section about 'who/what' we worship.  i am learning things folks.  i know, as most do, that as a believer my only object or focus of worship should be God.  a life lived in response to His character and salvation.  but that is in a perfect world, one in which we do not reside.  so who or what is my idol that keeps me from worshipping with my whole heart?  have i ever really admitted it?  the more i understand my struggle, the better i can overcome it, right?

people usually spout off the usual - money, cars, school, music, fame, materialism, etc - which are all valid idols.  i'm sure i have idolised these in the past, but when trying to identify what occupies my mind most i really struggled to pinpoint something. 

in hopes to grasp at something to fix, my first go to answer is money.  but i hate money, i don't love it.  i don't desire ridiculous amounts of it.  i just have issues with the control of it, or lack thereof.  not wanting to just settle with this diagnosis, knowing it wasn't the whole problem.  i asked john.

this was a brave move.  "okay, so i want you to be totally honest, do not hold back, tell me what i worship more than God, what is my biggest idol?"  (you should ask someone this question...it's always eye opening to see yourself through someone else's eyes).  his philosophical answer (paraphrased in my words) that i never would have been aware of:

my idol is not tangible.  my idol is an ideology, an idea or a vision.  in a few words - control, structure, stability - and the desire to have others perceive me as capable.  as john and i discovered last night, it manifests in all sorts of ways, but that is the root issue.  i obsess over every penny we spend, or don't - i obsess about the house, decorations, laundry, dishes, etc - i obsess about what others think about the decisions john and i make for our family.  not that all these things are in order or perfect, but i am ALWAYS thinking about them, usually frustrated with them, and too often let it control my time.

this is honest.  genuine.  not sure why i'm letting you know.  but there it is.

we are to have no other gods, no idols in place of the One True God.  He ALONE is to be worshipped (not the budget, my friends or family, my house, etc - that clarification was for me).  he alone can change me.  i am willing, and i am watching with my eyes wide open. and we're working on it!